Screen on the Green

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When in this predicament, what is more pathetic?  E-vite goes out to all your friends to attend the screening of "Viva Las Vegas" in Piedmont Park.  Sounds like fun, right? I think I will attend.

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Okay, it immediately becomes clear to you that you cannot find your friends and you realize you are in Piedmont Park, in a sea of people, all alone.   Everyone and their dog has seen you with your cute little folded quilt under one arm and mini cooler in the other.  You feel as obvious as the Elvis impersonators that have shown up to strut their stuff along with the "real deal" up on the big screen.  What do you do?  Do you suck it up and throw out your quilt and make your own little party: tiny cooler, cute quilt (king size, actually) and you?  Or, walk alone those six and a half blocks back through the bowels of the neighborhoods of Atlanta to your car carrying that Godforsaken cooler and king size quilt.  After all, you did already make the drive into the city. 

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Alas, you decide none of these people know you and the likelihood of you seeing any of them again is slim and none and well, you need a rest before making the hike back to the car.  You throw down your picnic accoutrements and get ready to participate in "Screen on the Green".  You are not pathetic.  You are a self-sufficient, independent woman, maybe a little like Bridgett Jones.  You have dined in restaurants alone, so you can watch a movie alone.  In other words, I am going to put on my big girl panties and enjoy the show. 

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Oh, look!  There is Eddie and another one of his friends.  Surely, Sarah will be along shortly.  Eddie is the guy that Sarah has been trying to hook you up with and it seemed to have been working out until he tried to kiss you.  You rationalized that he was clearly drunk and you did not expect it and that is why you fell and violently grabbed his ass on the way down.  Yep, big fat handfuls.  To say it ranks right up there with one of the worst kisses of your life is almost an understatement.  After all, there is nothing attractive about violently grabbing ass or falling down during one’s first kiss.

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Bygones!  His name was on the E-vite list and you knew he was coming.  Of course you be-bopped right on over there to invite him and his friend to come sit with you, your set-up was closer to the screen.  Ha!  You were not alone.  You were just early. 

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Again, what is more pathetic? 

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They agree to join you.  Along they come and put down their squatty lawn chairs next to your quilt.  You are not familiar with girl accompanying Eddie. You find it odd that Eddie chooses to sit on the other side of the girl, furthest away from you. Clearly the two of you do not know one another and he needs to sit between you both as a buffer, to coordinate the conversation.   He did not do this, but that is ok because you are no longer alone in the sea of people.

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It has been about 20 minutes and will that movie ever start?  They aren’t talking to you.  In fact they are talking to one another and they are holding hands.  Oh my God, They are on a date!  Your mind is flooded with angst, not that you did not get the flippin’ guy (remember, bad kisser), but that you now know what is more pathetic!

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More pathetic is being on an impromptu double date, in a sea of people, ALONE!  Do you abandon that obnoxiously large collage of potholders you once considered a quilt and run or do you just sit there?

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Viva Las Vegas!  The movie is starting!  I sit there...

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Yes, the above “you” really means “I” as in "Me" and the predicaments that I seem to find myself in. My predicaments always deal with the question, “What is more pathetic?”  It appears that just as I adjust to being alone and convince myself that it is okay, someone puts that damn billboard back up on the connector.  Yes, my personal billboard that only appears in my mind's eye.

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My billboard is kind of like the naked dream.  Everyone has had the naked dream, the one where you show up to work, prom, school, the LSAT in nothing but the suit God gave you.  Well, my billboard is right there where 75 and 85 come together when you are driving south through Atlanta and as big as John Candy’s ass there it sits.   You just cannot miss the 30 foot by 30 foot picture of me on it with the L on my forehead.  “The Ann Show, weekdays at 4:00 pm on the Loser Cable Network.  EVERYONE is tuning in to find out what is more pathetic this week!”